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Idle Time
- #1
-
- 荒川静か
- 2006/03/07 17:35
最近、取引先の営業担当がnasty jokeをチョクチョク送りつけて来る・・・。 他愛も無いものが多いんだけど、中でも『シンプルだけどクククッっと笑ってしまう』ものを一つ。。。コレ分かる人は英会話(特にスラング)上級者です。
"The Only Way to Drink Guinness"
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair; drinking a beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that
she came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung."
I took a drink from my Guinness, wiped the cold foam from my lips,
lifted my darkened Ray Bans and stared directly at this nosey bitch and calmly replied...
"I am, and that's why she cuts the grass."
- #2
-
- 通行人 X
- 2006/03/07 (Tue) 17:46
- Report
釣れますか? M(^<ll>^)M
- #3
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- さばおり
- 2006/03/07 (Tue) 18:40
- Report
ちょっとヤバクないっすか?
女性蔑視だとか騒ぎ出す人が出て来そうな気がするんですけど。
「女の人ってそうなんだ」なんて勘違いするボクちゃん達が出て来るのもウザイ感じだし。
日本ならぜったい笑って済む話ですけどね。
でもたしかにくすぐられますね。(笑いました)
- #4
-
- ワロた
- 2006/03/08 (Wed) 10:22
- Report
2度読み直して分かった。
HUNGか・・・そうありたいもんだが、オレは無理かも。(笑)
男的には理想の結婚像なのかもね。
いやいや、女的にもHAPPYみたいだしイイんじゃない?
ま とにかくワロた。ww
- #5
-
- CatWoman
- 2006/03/08 (Wed) 14:23
- Report
デカきゃいいってもんじゃないでしょ。
- #8
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- オカマ!
- 2006/03/08 (Wed) 15:37
- Report
シモネタついでに、これは?
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that
American Indians have the longest average pxxxx and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
- #9
-
- ワロた
- 2006/03/08 (Wed) 15:48
- Report
惜しい!
最後の1行を読む前に大体のオチが予想できた。
落とす直前、ネタのフリ方に一工夫して意外性を持たせて欲しいところ。
敢闘賞&もう一息ガンバリマ賞。
次回作に期待。
- #11
-
- 解説
- 2006/03/09 (Thu) 08:33
- Report
どこまで解説していいのかな??>#10
キーワードはね、HUNGという言葉だと思うんですよ。
You should be hung!って隣のオバチャンが言ってるのは『嫁に芝刈りなんてさせて自分はノンキに昼からビールかい?お前なんか吊るされちまえ!』って意味で言ってるわけですね。
オバチャン的にはHUNG=首吊りなわけです。
でもこの言葉にはもう一つ「巨x」って意味があるんです。
ようするに、あまりにデカくてブラブラ吊るされてる感じ?
まあ下品に言えば「馬並み」ってヤツですね。
最後の決めゼリフ「I am.」ってのは「そうさ、俺は巨x(の持ち主)だよ」って意味で、その後に「だからカミさんは芝を刈ってる(何でも言うことを聞く)」っていうオチなわけです。
分かりましたか?
- #12
-
- 荒川静か
- 2006/03/09 (Thu) 09:00
- Report
OK、じゃコレは?
ちょっと古いし知ってる人も多いだろうけど、中級レベルまで落しました。
お楽しみ下さい。(笑)
One sunny afternoon, Superman was flying out around.
Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go to Spiderman's home.
Supe: Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and beer!
Spidey: No can do. I've got a problem with my web shooter so I need to fix it within today.
Can't fight crime tomorrow without it.
Supe takes to the air heading over to Batcave to see Batman.
Supe: Hey Batman, let's go get a burger and a beer!
Batman: Not today, my friend. My Bat Mobile is down so I've got to fix it within today.
Can't fight crime tomorrow without it.
Disgruntled, Supe takes to the air while he flies over a penthouse in a typical rural
town in America. All of sudden Wonder Woman shows up in his vision, lying on the deck,
fully naked, and spread eagle!!! Supe gets a brilliant idea and he zzooooooooomms down
and does her in a flash before anyone can notice.
Wonder Woman gets up and says, "What the heck was that?"
Invisibleman gets off her and goes, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"
なんだかんだ言って、こういうの結構好きかも。
- #13
-
- ワロた
- 2006/03/09 (Thu) 10:10
- Report
さすがトピ主やりますなあ。(笑)
聞いたことある気もするけどspread eagleのネタフリとinvisiblemanのオチが今見ても新鮮ですな。
こんなんどうです?
There is a hooker living with her husband, no kids, just two of them, in the heart of downtown L.A., CA.
Her husband manages her in any manner as she is a genuine natural born fool with no workable brain at all.
She can't even count the number correctly sometimes.
One day, late at Friday night, the husband sends his wife to the customer's minivan parked in a no-light dark
parking lot beside a "closedown" grocery store. 100 year old looking buildings standing in one of the nastiest
areas in L.A. block the views from the main street and nobody else but three of them are there.
The wife comes back in 5 minutes and goes, "Hey Joe, how much am I supposed to charge for hand job?"
The husband answers, "Hand job? Well..., 50 bucks may be fine for that."
She nods, turns around, and runs back to the customer's car.
She comes back in only a couple of minutes and goes, "How much am I supposed to charge for mouth job, Joe?"
The husband answers, "Alright Cindy, $100 would be fine."
The wife turns around and rushes to the customer's car again.
In just half minute, she comes back and goes, "Joe, how much for the intercourse? The guy's got a huge hung."
The husband gives her the last advice, "Well, $200 would be reasonable."
The wife nods and quickly goes, "Can I owe you $200 now?"
上品な方には向かないトピですな。(爆!)
- #15
-
- ワロた
- 2006/03/09 (Thu) 17:54
- Report
投稿者でもないのに、おれなんかが勝手に解説していいんだろか? まええわい。
>#14さんへのレス
まず重要なネタフリとしてはspread eagleという言葉。
鷲の頭の羽毛はV字方に割れてるでしょ?
spread eagleってのは大股開き状態のことを言うんですわ。
素っ裸のWonder Womanがペントハウスのデッキで大股開きで横になってる絵を想像して下さいな。
そこへSupermanがズーーーーーーームイン!してdoes her in a flash before anyone can noticeってことは「誰も気付かないくらい素早く彼女に(Hを)する=intercourseのこと」という意味ですな、これは。
んでまたInvisibleman(透明人間=男)がgets off herだから「彼女から離れて」メッチャ痛かったって言ってるワケです。
つまり目には見えないけど透明人間は大股開きのWonder Womanの上に乗ってヤッテたわけですな。
それを知らないSupermanはInvisiblemanのお尻に刺しちゃったんですよ。
Superman的にはWonder Womanが相手だと思い込んでるけど、実は透明人間(男)の尻に突っ込んでしまったってワケ。
だからInvisiblemanは「メチャ痛かった」ワケですな。
お後がよろしいようで・・・。m(_ _)m
- #16
-
- 荒川静か
- 2006/03/09 (Thu) 18:59
- Report
完璧な解説・・・ワロたさん、ただ者じゃないですね。
もしかして#11もワロたさんですか?
- #17
-
- ワロた
- 2006/03/10 (Fri) 09:06
- Report
はい > #16
- #20
-
#8の落ちがわかりませ〜ん!!!
でも落ちがわかったところであまり笑えなかったりするのはやっぱりユーモアとか笑いのツボの違いなんですかねぇ?
- #21
-
- 荒川静か
- 2006/03/12 (Sun) 10:20
- Report
>#20 なぞなぞさん、
飛行機で隣り合わせた美しい女性はアレがデカイのは統計的に見て長さではアメリカン・インディアンで、太さではポーランド人だって言ってますね。
Tonto Kawalskiという名前は日本人の名前とは程遠いですよね。 では、どこの国の名前ですか?
>#8 オカマ!さん、ここから先は投稿者ご自身から解説して頂けますか?
新ネタお待ちしてます。(笑)
- #22
-
- オカマ!
- 2006/03/12 (Sun) 10:40
- Report
(荒川静かさん、フォロー、ありがとうございます。)
次は、これ。途中で、落ちがわかると思いますが...。
A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.
- #23
-
- 荒川静か
- 2006/03/12 (Sun) 14:39
- Report
近藤さんは普通の状態で作ってるんですかね?
寝た子を起こしてからじゃないと小さ過ぎるでしょうね。
工場がアメリカン・インディアンの保護区とかポーランドとかなら寝た子のままでもいいのかも知れませんが・・・。(笑)
- #24
-
このトピはやっぱり男性用なのかな?
実は結構jokeはすきなので(笑えないのも多いけど。)、密かに見てる女性の一人です。
スラングとかではないけど、#1が女性蔑視な感じがしたので同じネタで女性上位なものを一つ。
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
- #25
-
- 荒川静か
- 2006/03/13 (Mon) 00:50
- Report
この手の話はデカイか小さいかって言うのがネタになってることが多いですね。
特に若い男性諸君の中に大いに勘違いする輩がいるかも知れませんが、女性の側から "Size does matter" と言ってるように聞こえます。
その昔、GOROやスコラという雑誌を見て勘違いした坊や達が街に溢れていたように、アメリカ人の中でもサイズ神話は根強いようですね。(笑)
50歳を過ぎた知り合いの白人男性が言ってたのはSizeよりもmotionが大事だと…シモネッタですが私も賛成です。(ギリギリOK?それとも削除?)
- #26
-
- ワロた
- 2006/03/13 (Mon) 07:57
- Report
こーゆー話はね、男がネタとして笑われても、逆に女が笑われても、どっちでもOKなんですよ・・・男的には。(笑)
だから#24みたいのもガンガン言ったらヨロシ。
- #28
-
- 眉間にシワ
- 2006/03/15 (Wed) 22:41
- Report
密かに愛読させてもらってたんですけど、もう新ネタはないのでしょうか?楽しみにしていますのでお願いします。(^0_0^)
- #29
-
- jcr01
- 2006/03/16 (Thu) 00:48
- Report
よくある初心者向けブロンドジョーク。
A golf teaching pro was giving an entry-level lesson to a group of women.
One of them was a gorgeous blond who wanted to learn the sport to play with her husband.
"Ok, in golf, the most important is the grip. Don't squeeze it. You must give
just the right pressure enough to hold it, not too strong, not too weak"
Everyone else was trying to do what had been just told but the blond had no idea what was going on.
Realizing she had never even touched a golf club before and was rather confused, the coach walked
up very close to her and whispered into her ear a more understandable explanation.
"Remember.... juuuust like when you handle your husband's... you know what I mean?"
then looked down to demonstrate by slowly wrapping his hands around his club.
The coach looked up to check how his beautiful apprentice was doing and shouted,
"No no no! Hands! Use your hands!"
- #30
-
- ワロた
- 2006/03/16 (Thu) 18:55
- Report
オチを予想しながら読み進めましたけど、まあ想定の範囲内なんですが、読み手にオチを考えさせるヒネリがありますな。
なかなかにくい演出です。
手じゃないとしたら、、、上か下か、ドッチなんでしょ?(笑)
- #31
-
- jcr01
- 2006/03/16 (Thu) 19:02
- Report
#30さん
あなた面白すぎ。
- #35
-
- オカマ!
- 2006/03/16 (Thu) 23:10
- Report
これはどう?
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and
continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any pharmacy."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the
pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks
at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks
what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
- #36
-
- ワロた
- 2006/03/17 (Fri) 08:23
- Report
これはヤラレました。
オチが予想できなかった。
まあ完敗ですな。(笑)
ラクダ>馬なんでしょうか?
それともラクダ<馬?
ドッチでもいいか。
- #38
-
- ギャハハハ!
- 2006/03/17 (Fri) 18:58
- Report
Lightと言わないんだからCamelオリジナルでしょ?80歳近いお婆ちゃんがCamelのオリジナルを吸ってるんだ。ラクダねええええ、男の人が砂漠で遭難した時に♀(メス)のラクダが出て来る話は知ってるけど、でも笑わしてもらいました。個人的にはラクダ<馬だと思います。馬はスゲーから。(笑)
- #39
-
- オカマ!
- 2006/03/17 (Fri) 19:31
- Report
駱駝ついでに。
The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sxx with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies.
"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
- #40
-
- 荒川静か
- 2006/03/18 (Sat) 07:54
- Report
この話は、ずいぶん前(もう10年以上前?)に聞いたことがある気がします。
それも日本で、日本人から、日本語で聞いた記憶があります。
でもストーリーもオチも全て忘れていたので『こんなオチだったっけ?』と懐かしい想いで読ませてもらいました。
男のバカさ加減を笑ったものですね。
男性蔑視だ!なんて叫ぶ気はもうとうありませんので、ご安心を。(笑)
Nice try!
- #42
-
- オカマ!
- 2006/03/18 (Sat) 10:19
- Report
今日はサンディエゴに行かれる方も多いみたいですね。
もうひとつ、(エッチ話抜きですが)駱駝ネタ。
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,
"Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies,
"Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".
"OK"
said the son. A few minutes later the son asks,
"Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert",
the camel mother answers.
"Thanks Mom"
replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks,
"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies,
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without
drinking for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand
from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
- #43
-
- jcr01
- 2006/03/18 (Sat) 12:16
- Report
今晩サンディエゴに行きます。相手国応援団に囲まれつつも、このジョークを思い出しつつ、
笑顔と余裕をもって行きたいですね。頑張れ日本!とりあえずはお礼まで。トピズレ失礼。
- #46
-
- はあ!?
- 2006/03/19 (Sun) 22:08
- Report
キモイというからにはジックリ読んだということ。
つまり興味深々だったことの裏付けでもある。
キモイよ『君ら』と二人称の相手を貶める表現のHNを意図的に使っている。
君らがキモイと言いたいのではない。
そんな『君ら』に比べて自分は上等な人間だということが本来の主旨。
唐突に出て来て、妙に不自然なほどクールに決めたコメント。
『君ら下等な人間同士で話してないで上等な俺に注目して尊敬しなさい』というメッセージ。
悪いが、そんなエゴ丸出しのお坊ちゃまの子守りをするほど出来た人間はそうそういない。
他を当られよ。
- #47
-
- ギャハハハ!
- 2006/03/20 (Mon) 09:57
- Report
まカレーにスルーして行きましょ。
#42は18禁とか心配せずに済むし安心して笑えますね。
- #48
-
- オカマ!
- 2006/03/20 (Mon) 13:39
- Report
もうひとつ、駱駝ネタ、エッチ抜きで。
A man bought a camel from a woman at the market, the woman said "to make him go say 'phew' to make him stop say 'Amen'."
So the man hopped on the camel and said 'Phew' to make him go. The camel started running out of control. The man couldn't remember what to say to make him stop so he started calling out any old words "peanut butter sandwiches', 'abracadabra". He then noticed the cliff edge coming up, he prayed to god; "Please help me, save my soul, Amen...."
The camel stopped right there, inches away from the edge of the cliff.
Then the man said "Phew".
- #50
-
- 荒川静か
- 2006/03/20 (Mon) 14:17
- Report
これはシンプルだけど好きですねえ。
このバカバカしさは私の大好物です。(笑)
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